...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
