i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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