3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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