How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
