don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
