Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
