Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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