hotel room ftw
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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