the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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