It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Your penis caused this!
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