I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
