i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
