I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
