nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
