Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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