I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Couch. On fire.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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