I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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