I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
