I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
