shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
two words...techno handjob
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
