if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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