He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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