I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
