the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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