Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
