I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
