Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
