Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
