The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
