Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
