My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
