i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
