I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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