Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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