I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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