Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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