Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
