Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
