sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I love you.
Bad choice
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
