How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
