so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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