That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
