Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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