Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
