He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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