Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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