I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
