I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
