Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
