The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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