My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
