You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
