I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
How's work?
Spinning.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
