just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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