Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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